The Barrel House's recent Malort experiment features exceptionally hot scorpion peppers grown in Chris Wyatt's garden at Patterdale Hall. (Submitted photo)
The Patterdale Hall Diaries | The spice of life
- Published: May 3, 2026
March 1, 2026
Snow this morning, so I drove out to rescue Karen and give her a muffin. The two house wrens are back.
I managed to get one out of the Hall and will return to evict the other after coffee and breakfast. Spring break is upon us, and so I shall pay bills and hire a plumber. Busy, busy.
March 4, 2026
And a roofer. Good grief this is never ending.
March 8, 2026
False spring is upon us in full effect. It is glorious outside. I saw a bobcat today, next to a big oak on Clark Run Road. I have, of course, reported it. It was a whomper, twice the size of Archie, so probably about 14 kilos, (which is roughly what a filled suitcase weighs if you are planning a weekend trip to Vegas … in American measurements).
March 21, 2026
Spring is in the air, and my friend Gus Stathes is celebrating by infusing the drink Malort with a variety of delicious flavors. Gus owns The Barrel House bar on 3rd Street in Dayton, and his infused Malorts are the stuff of legend. Examples include mac and cheese and Werthers Original Malort. Delicious.
Now, however, he has taken the bold step of infusing Malort with smoked scorpion peppers I grew at Patterdale Hall. “The Scorpions of Patterdale Hall” is a robust infusion, but as we all know, fortune favors the bold. So, head on down to The Barrel House if you never want to taste anything ever again. These scorpion peppers are roughly four times hotter than a habanero, and Gus has put two in each bottle. Shazam.
March 28, 2026
The Scorpions of Patterdale Hall is now for sale at The Barrel House. The drink is smoky, briny, bitter and fiercely spicy. It is also delicious, surprisingly. I was reminded of a spicy Oaxacan mezcal.
But enough of this silliness. Today is a very beautiful day. It is brisk and sunny, and I think I shall light a fire and weed some vegetable beds. Then I fancy making some French green lentils with onion, garlic, celery and olive oil; this will be the perfect accompaniment for a nice grilled, bone-in pork chop.
I have always wanted to grow French green beans and traditional English runner beans out at the Hall. As we approach April, it is time to start thinking about what to put in the ground. Karen is already planting sacrificial crops for the hungry, heavily pregnant deer that live with us. We love the deer, and it is simple to protect certain crops with netting, especially in early spring when food is scarce. As the seasons progress, the deer are faced with an abundance of food and usually show little interest in our tomatoes and squash. As long as we protect things early on, the deer seem more focused on eating Karen’s flowers, but after a while they leave those alone too. Karen’s flower displays were lovely last year.
March 31, 2026
A month until the end of the semester and Bob’s graduation, hopefully. He has done well at college but is very burned out. He needs to relax for a few months before deciding what to do next. A restful summer playing with a little dog should allow him to reboot.
I’m probably going to work at Wright State this summer. I usually have the summer off as I’m on a nine-month contract, but a job with a good-sized stipend has been offered to me, and I may take it. I’ll make that decision tomorrow. It is lovely to have the summer off, but it is also lovely to have cash in the bank. Karen has warned me that if I do take the job, I’m not allowed to complain about it all summer, which is fair. I spent last summer preoccupied with my surgery and then recovering from surgery. If I don’t take the job, it will be three months of bliss out at the Hall, and that is very tempting.
So, I have to weigh things up: enough money to begin to fix up Patterdale Hall or a lazy, carefree summer. The world is an awful place right now. It’s a tough decision.
April 2, 2026
I ultimately decided not to take the summer position, even though it came with a lot of money. After looking at the scope of work and assessing what I already have to do over the summer, it became obvious that if I took the job, it would negatively impact everything. I would either do the job poorly and everything else well or vice versa. The job was vast in scope, and there would have been no way to help Karen out at the Hall, or even take her out to the Hall. It would have been all consuming, and that is not healthy. I let the dean know my decision as quickly as I could; hopefully they can find someone to do it.
In the meantime, I shall focus on teaching and the big push to the end of the semester.
I shall also need to mow the grass, once it stops raining.
*Originally from Manchester, England, Chris Wyatt is an associate professor of neuroscience, cell biology and physiology at Wright State University. He has lived in Yellow Springs for 19 years, is married and has two children and an insane Patterdale terrier. “The Patterdale Hall Diaries,” by Chris Wyatt, is now available in book format via Amazon for $11.99.
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