Sex and the Village | Flipping the ‘dimmer switch’
- Published: August 17, 2024
Q: Love your column in the paper. YS needs to be open and talking about sex and sexual issues.
Why do I keep getting binary answers to a problem that is binary in the first place? As in, “So what are you now? A girl?” Talk about why we don’t have a social dimmer switch — the light is not always on or off.
How do we safely let others know that diversity is a good thing, while weathering malicious media fear-mongering propaganda that “paints me the monster?”
A: Before we answer your first question, let’s establish why people are so quick to make assumptions about others.
People operate in society by putting new information they encounter into boxes in order to better understand their surroundings. This process is called social categorization, and while people classify others based on a variety of characteristics, the “big three” in the United States are race, gender and age. This is where stereotypes originate from, and they continue to reside in our subconscious thinking in an area called “The Blindspot.”
When someone sees another person, they are subconsciously sorting them into what they know about sex and gender, which is historically based on an artificial gender binary. Transgender people, nonbinary people and people of other gender identities have always existed; in a lot of ancient cultures, concepts of gender fluidity and third gender were cultural norms. However, English colonization succeeded in suppressing any form of gender expression outside of the binary. As a result, social awareness of those not within the binary is nearly nonexistent outside of the community itself, their allies and those who have sought to educate themselves.
So, when someone looks at another person, they’re simply trying to comprehend the world around them within the false binary they were taught. This might mean assuming when they see someone who is acting outside their perceived sex or gender that they are transitioning within the gender binary, from male to female or female to male. They’re likely ignorant to the nuances of other genders, androgyny or numerous existing alternative expressions inside or outside the binary.
Gender “traditionalists” view gender as an “on/off switch” (male or female), while “individualists” operate with more of a “dimmer switch,” expressing gender fluidity and not acting entirely as a man or woman but as both, neither, or some combination of both or neither. Someone who is used to the “on/off switch” will likely have a hard time understanding the “dimmer switch” as an option for gender expression.
How do we tell others diversity is a good thing? Well, researchers, social activists and community members themselves have been screaming it from the rooftops for years. Some people just don’t want to listen or believe it, and as defeatist as that might sound, it’s better than you fruitlessly getting up on your own rooftop.
But what may be better than telling people is showing people. While some people may not agree with what they call your “lifestyle choices,” they are often open to making connections and relationships with new people. Reach out to them, connect with them and challenge their thinking.
It’s important not to tell each other that we’re wrong for thinking a certain way, but rather to expose each other to different ideas and mentalities. In other words, others need you to grow and learn through new perspectives just as you need them to do the same. The most successful change agents are able to connect with people.
Unfortunately, while mutual respect helps a lot, it’s not always forthcoming. When having a difficult conversation about different opinions, it can be very helpful to start off by normalizing opposing opinions by saying, “We may have different opinions, but I want you to feel respected the entire time we’re talking.”
Which leads us to another important point, and possibly another interpretation of your “social dimmer switch.” When doing this type of work, it’s important to acknowledge your own boundaries and limits, and that no one can be “on” constantly to answer questions about sex and gender. Yet, lately it has been taught within the queer community to default to being “off,” and to gate-keep questions with answers like, “Educate yourself.”
While it’s completely understandable to not always have the bandwidth to answer questions on-demand, answering to the best of our ability helps the community the most. If we want to be more visible to society, that starts through engaging those who are different from us as much as we can.
Sometimes our ability to answer these types of questions is limited to sending a list of resources that someone can review themselves. Sometimes it’s a mix of resources and conversation, sometimes it’s a series of conversations, and sometimes it’s something different altogether. What’s important — if the bandwidth is there — is that the effort is made, and a relationship may be built.
Of course, someone may ask or comment, “So what are you now? A girl?” in an attempt to get a rise out of you or bait you into an argument. In that case, don’t give them your attention and avoid spaces with overt hostility if possible.
Gender nonconformists are important change agents who are swimming against the current of social norms. This can take a lot of energy, so remember to take care of yourself and take a step back if you find your energy being depleted to avoid activist burnout. You are celebrating diversity by being your authentic self. As a tip of the hat to The Kinks, think of yourself as “LOLA” — Living Out, Living Authentic.
For some people, you represent a threat to their understanding of the world. They’re not your enemies, they just lack an understanding of the latest science of gender. To them — and as another tip of the hat, this time to Rage Against The Machine — you represent a living declaration that you are not going to “do what you’re told” and that you are not “under control” of the designated social order that promotes conformity. That’s kind of what Yellow Springs is about.
Thanks for your support and your questions!
*“Sex and the Village” is a column that answers your questions on sex, gender and sexuality. Submit your questions to Saraphilic and Doc anonymously at ysnews.com/sex-and-the-village.
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