The Pickle’s first pickle
- Published: January 2, 2014
Question: My boyfriend and I have decided to move in together. How do I tell my current roommate/best friend who is already excitedly hunting for our next apartment? To complicate matters, my roommate and I have been having issues because of her high stress and exhaustion from being a nurse, making living with my boyfriend all the more appealing. Do I tell her that that is part of my reasoning?
Village Pickle: Telling your best friend her bad mood is one the reasons you want to change your living arrangements is
A) adding insult to injury
B) rubbing salt in a wound
C) all of the above
It seems that while moving out has become a more attractive option in recent months, adding this last bit is, fundamentally, unnecessary. Why make a hard conversation worse? Also, since your main reason for switching abodes is moving in with your boyfriend as opposed to moving away from her, you can still be honest with her and omit this one particular factor.
As for how you tell her, I recommend applying the Golden Rule while also being highly strategic about timing. If you were in her situation, and anticipating a future that was not to be, you would want to know sooner rather than later, no? Better to have short term disappointment with plenty of time to adjust one’s expectations than long-cherished plans with only a short time to make new ones.
In terms of timing, pick a moment when she is at her least stressed. I also suggest having a trip planned so she can do her fuming/grieving/seething alone. For example, talk to her on a Wednesday and go visit family for the weekend. That gives her enough time to respond while you’re still around but limits your exposure to any initial negative reaction. Generally speaking, people will adapt to changes in their plans but the initial adjustment can be tricky.
As to what exactly you say, I would be straightforward, acknowledge her feelings, and focus on the positive of both this next step with your boyfriend and your friendship with her. “Mr. Man and I have been talking and we both think it’s the right time in our relationship to move in together. It wouldn’t be until our lease is up, but I wanted to tell you now so you could have enough time to find a really good place on your own. I’ll miss [insert fun roomie activity here] so hopefully we can still do dinner/get drinks/walk our dogs on a regular basis.”
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