Council passes “all-clapping” resolution
- Published: April 1, 2019
This week, Village Council reversed its decision to ban clapping in Council meetings. In place of that decision is a new one: beginning Monday, April 1, all attendees of Village Council meetings will be required to clap for everything.
“At the heart of our previous decision was really the desire to make sure all villagers feel supported when they get up to speak at a meeting,” said Council President Guy Broman. “We think this new resolution will make sure everybody feels welcome — whether they are or not.”
To that end, Council chambers have been retrofitted with a “please clap” sign that is timed to light up approximately every 37 seconds, which should encourage a steady stream of applause equally dispersed throughout the meeting.
“We thought this would be a better approach than allowing folks to decide when to clap on their own,” said Broman. “It sort of takes the guesswork out of the whole thing.”
In the interest of accommodating those who might be unable to clap, Council will furnish plastic hand clapper toys to those who need them. Those who can’t use the hand clapper toys will be given kazoos.
“We just want to make sure that everyone is equally able to make themselves heard in this new and completely mandatory way,” said Broman.
Council members do have one concern about the new resolution: the chafing and chapping of hands after so much compulsory acclamation. To that end, each person who attends a Council meeting will be provided with a generous squirt of fragrance-free hand lotion upon exiting Council chambers.
There is a contingency plan if villagers’ hands aren’t always up to the task or if crowds are small: Council has also installed a speaker that will play a recording of applause on the same timed, 37-second loop as the “please clap” sign. Village workers are still testing the new system on the second floor of the Bryan Center.
“We can’t get it to shut off,” said Village electrician Jimmy Smokes. “It’s just been going twenty-four-seven. It’s kinda spooky, actually.”
The Snooze can confirm that, at press time, the darkened Council chambers are indeed illuminated with a glowing red light and filled with the disembodied sound of clapping all through the night.